NO

No, stop looking at him I told my heart

No more excessive pumping I told my eyes

Wait, did I just switch jobs or it is the confusion I find myself in when I see his face

No matter the pain I will deny him in vain

The loneliness in my heartbeat I can no longer explain

The tomorrows regret of letting him go, the past I embrace of seeing him smile but today I can no longer see his face for fear to find its way deep down my rib caged heart, this is enough reason to say NO

No, I will no longer run my world around your deceitful smile

Nor dream on your thorn filled bed

Or even wipe my hidden tears with your hand-ker-chief

I will build my own empire; create me a statue of you not to make you feel good but to deceive my heart that you are close enough not to make me dial that number…

I will scrip out every memory of you from my mind and trust me never again will I start

Enough, is not word enough to show you how tired I am

How tired I am, looking at that smile curve on your face, and seeing that face look upon me with hopes so false…

I will always say NO….

BUT, just in case I start moving close to the phone in high expectations of hearing that voice again…

just tap me and remind me I said NO.

© officialmandy, 2015

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10 Comments

  1. When someone is very young but as big as a grownup they think they understand life -what to do – what it means. The pain and heartache. Its not until we are too old to do anything about these hurts that we finally understand what it means. So much of life we can’t piece together and learn the lesson until it is past the point of being able to hurt us anymore.

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  2. I came back again to read what you wrote. There is so much pain and heartache in your words. It is hard when you love someone deeply and have to realize it wasn’t meant to be. I remember loving someone long ago, very deeply. After being with him for two years he finally told me one night that he loved me. Just being in the same room with him was enough. Part of the time we lived together and part of the time we didn’t. In the end he had taken a maintenance man position at an apt complex and it came with an apartment. He moved there. I had my own place but spent most nights there. The day after he said he loved me, he broke up with me and a different girl I knew nothing about moved in with him and they got married soon after. I was devastated. I was confused. One day he was there and the next day he wasn’t. It took a long time to get over that lost love. Years later he came to see me. He told me he was sorry and he knew someday we would get back together. He had made a mistake, he told me. They never had any children. I had one and was pregnant with my second and separated from their father because of drugs. But I never saw him again. He was in a horrible car accident. I’ve thought about him often. Coming to see me that night was a way to bring closure to something that happened a long time ago. Love is funny. Years don’t matter. I still love him. He played a very major part in my life. It feels like it could have been yesterday – instead, our time together was 40 years ago. I was in my first year of college when we met.

    Everything we do makes a cause that has an effect – we just can’t see it when we are going through it. Every time something occurs it changes the road we’re on. Each decision. Every yes and every no. Most times we don’t think of this – the consequences. Sometimes we think we get away with doing things we know we shouldn’t and breathe a sigh of relief because we can’t see what is coming. This man got me on drugs. He didn’t have to try very hard. It was my karma – my fate. But the end result after many years of illness was needing a liver transplant almost 3 years ago. That is the gift he gave me. I do use the word gift because there is benefit in every negative. I’m still alive and I appreciate each day more than I ever did before. I met a man who truly loves me in spite of knowing I had Hep C when he met me. I had to learn to have a strength I didn’t know I had. I had to search inside myself and find out who I really was. I started practicing Buddhism 27 years ago to learn the value of my life and know that it is MY strength, MY plan, taking responsibility for MY life, that got me through. I didn’t look outside myself to find the answers I needed. I grew as a human being because I had to learn to be honest with myself. So much came out of that relationship all those years ago. I know I’m rambling on here and I think what I’m trying to say is – even in relationships that end up not being what you hoped, there are still things you learn that make you a better person and these things are what you pass on to other people. These next words I have told many people. ” The only legacy you can truly leave behind is the effect you have had on other people” They carry forth what they learned and affect other lives. That is how our life lives on.

    Liked by 1 person

      1. One thing I can say, too – my life has been anything but boring. Seriously – it’s been bizarre by any normal person’s standards. The older you get the easier it is to see how the pieces fall. You know the causes you made in the past by looking at where you are today and if you want to have a certain future you have to make the causes for it to happen, otherwise life just slaps you around and you run for cover!

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